As I near the 2-year post-diagnosis anniversary and Mallory's 5th birthday, I am reminded of all that's occurred these past two years. I wouldn't say I've avoided writing lately, but I'm guilty of falling back into "real life". I guess I should be thankful that my life is ordinary relative to 2 years ago. I get up in the morning, I step on the scale and usually either scream or swear, I take the girls to school, I go to work, I make dinner, I do laundry, I play volleyball, I get to the gym (although rarely these days). blah blah blah. And then one day, while leaving work at 8pm, I check my voicemail. I hear the words and it feels like a steel knife in my wind pipe (thanks Eminem). "Maria, I just want to let you know that Denise Manny passed away this morning".
For those of you that don't know her, Denise is the wife of a high school classmate of mine. We never met, but we were both diagnosed with cancer within a week of each other. We bonded over "The Big C", emailed words of support when the other needed it, talked on the phone when we needed to hear words of encouragement. Both cancers aggressive, both went through chemo, radiation, surgery and yet I'm still here. Still here and fallen so far back into the routine we call life, I have forgotten to take care of myself. It took a shock like Denise dying to hit me like ice water to the face. I feel guilty. Guilty because I'm here and she's not. Guilty because I've been given a second chance and I'm blowing it. I've gone back to my old bad eating habits. Mountain Dew and twinkies?? Really?? why don't i just sign up for my next round of chemo?? idiot. I still use shampoo with sulfates, still microwave in plastic. what am I doing? part of me thinks, whatever, people do all the right things, and look where it gets them. but that's immature and irresponsible. we all remark about how crazy it is that there's all this cancer and how young the people being diagnosed are. well, do we honestly think there isn't a reason for that?
a big part of me feels like i've let denise down. this is what i'm doing with my second chance? disgraceful! but it's never too late. never too late to make even just one change. i don't want to have a relapse be the reason i change my lifestyle.
-M
Maria! Give yourself a break! Be better to you! You are a survivor! Like you say, and maybe it feels amazing to eat twinkies and Moutain Dew, and you are allowed to enjoy the things you love! Don't be so hard on yourself; you have no reason to feel guilty. You have endured so much already. You'll get back into doing the right things, and just be acknowledging them shows you think about it enough; you just have that last step of actualizing it!
ReplyDeleteI have never met Denise, either, and I regret it so much, but I lived with Brian and Alyssa in Boulder, CO, and have never met more amazing people, and I am sure you are of the same quality. I conside Alyssa a sister, so I guess that makes Brian a brother. You are a crazy, sexy, survivor, and you will continue to survive. Thaks for sharing your story.
I think it is just amazing how much Denise is affecting all of these people in such a positive inspiring way. We are all so lucky to have known her beauty.
Keep up the good fight; you are incredible.