Tunnel of Love

Today was that day. That day I go through every 3 months. It's like I've spent the past 2 months and 29 days climbing climbing climbing up the "big hill" of the roller coaster of life. Every roller coaster has that one hill that's so daunting (think Shockwave or the Eagle). Every step of that climb-every lurch forward you anticipate what's going to happen, or what might happen. For a split second you think, omg when I reach the top of this hill, is the car going to fly off the track? Will we lose control and die? Can I turn back? It's scary, and no matter how many times you ride it, those same fears sneak into your brain. My life has kinda been like that over the course of the past year. Every 3 months anticipation builds as I near another PET scan. Omg, is my life going to go off course again? Am I going to lose control and die? Can i go back? Please? Even though this time I was sure I was fine, those thoughts crept in every now and then.

As I lay in the MRI tube today I reflected on all the other times I had been lying in that same position, getting that same scan done and how different it is now. When I first had my MRI (before I even knew I had cancer), it was difficult for me to lie still in that "tunnel" for 45 minutes. What I didn't know is that the tumor was pressing on my femoral nerve causing ridiculous nerve pain. As the tumor grew (even during chemo), the MRI's became more and more unbearable. The tumor was growing and growing rapidly and putting more and more pressure on that nerve. It got to the point that I would lay in the tunnel with tears uncontrollably streaming down my face. Every minute was agony. today was different. Tears still streamed silently down my face, but for different reasons. There was no more pain, no more agony. Today, the tears were tears of joy, tears of gratitude. I thanked God for taking care of me, for letting me stay on this earth to raise my children even if for just a little bit longer, for my friends and my Jeff, for how lucky I am to be alive and for how far I've come in such a short amount of time. As I sit here and write this, the tears are falling again. I am so lucky. So instead of being a big scary roller coaster, today I lay in the Tunnel of Hope. The Tunnel of Gratitude. The tunnel of LOVE...